Real Sex Is Not Romance Sex

Tags

BDSM, erotic romance, love, lust, Real Sex, romance, Romance Sex, safe sex, seduction, sex, sexuality, Sorcha Mowbray

Real sex is not like romance sex. Yup. I know, it’s a shock. Why are they different? Well, romance is fiction and romance writers get to take a little creative license. Where and how do we do that?

Anatomy
We are not all perfectly curvy with an amazing ass, and all men aren’t like a Greek god with an eight inch cock that is as thick as your wrist. In real life we have bellies and hips, skinny legs, and no ass. Men are not really well muscled and their dicks are more like six inches that your fingers can easily wrap around. And I am not even going to start on SFF issues. LOL!

Biology
Would that we all could be multi-orgasmic and do it repeatedly in a night. Sadly, not so much. Especially not for real men. There is such a thing as refractory period, and real men need it. As they get older, they need more of it. Of course, we all know there are exceptions to every rule if you are one or your SO is, then bless you!

Practicality
Okay, now don’t throw rotten tomatoes at me. But, not unlike porn, we sometimes write positions that aren’t comfortable or just sound better than they would be if actually performed. We do try to stick to executable maneuvers, but come on, some positions just aren’t realistic and can’t be maintained through completion. Just saying.

Kink
I love Cerise Sinclair’s disclaimer at the beginning of her BDSM books. She basically cautions that a real D/s relationship takes time to develop and nurture. She is clear that the time lines in her books are escalated for the purposes of the story. Could it happen that fast? Yes. But, is that the norm? Should it be the norm? No way! Trust is earned, and that takes time. Now, I’ll be the first to admit I moved in with Mr. Sorcha Mowbray after knowing him for only two months. I am smart enough to know I took a gamble that paid off. I had doubts and fears even when it seemed right. Trust takes time, and engaging in a BDSM/kinky relationship takes a whole truck load of trust.

Can real sex emulate romance sex? Yes! Every time you create a special moment with your honey or find yourself in the grip of lust, you’re doing just that. There are lots of ways to bring the spirit of romance sex to your real life sex.

Set The Mood
Have a romantic dinner together. Do it at home in lingerie or in public sans panties. Light candles and turn on some music. Recreate your first date.

Talk Dirty
Not a talker? Try it! Tell your partner everything (or just one thing) you want to do to them. Or maybe what you want them to do to you.

Pushing Boundaries
Maybe try blind folding each other or tying each other to the bed with a scarf (loose enough you can escape). Maybe get your partner to swat your butt while having sex. Maybe just have them (or yourself) be more demanding during sex. You don’t have to go crazy with leather, whips, and chains to bring a little romance sex into your life.

Vacation Sex
Go on, admit it. There is something about sex away from real life that lets you be just a little more free. So, go on vacation and be your own heroine with your very own hero. Trying something new there might be a little easier than at home.

So, got any other ideas for bringing romance sex into real life? Share them! I am always curious about ways to keep things lively.

Sex and Sensibility

Tags

condoms, erotic romance, erotica, Health, protection, rambling, romance, romance author, romance authors, safe sex, sex, sex scenes, sexuality, Voirey Linger

Protection.

Possibly a touchy subject but it’s something every sexually active person should be aware of on some level. Right? but how much of it belongs in romance and erotica?

I was more than a little shocked to read through a recent forum discussion on the subject and find that the overwhelming focus of the writers participating was birth control. The majority of these writers were young, and by young I mean under 30, single and sexually active… a group which I assumed would be informed on protection. To my surprise the focus of the participants wasn’t safe sex but birth control. The reasoning was simple: condoms aren’t sexy.

Surprise pregnancy, secret babies and forced marriages because of a baby on the way are part of the fabric of romance fiction. It makes sense that in a modern world that we’d want our heroines to take a proactive stance when it comes to their reproductive future, right? A smart heroine is on the pill.

But does a smart heroine ignore other forms of protection just because she knows she won’t get pregnant?

It seems the general consensus was… yes.

My main genre is contemporary erotic romance. I love reading and writing it, and for me, nothing shuts down the sexy faster than bareback. Why? Because to me a woman who allows a man with a sexual history to penetrate her without wearing a condom is TSTL (Too Stupid Too Live). It might not be as dramatic as going to investigate that strange noise when there is a killer on the loose and she was told to stay in the nice safe room, but the consequences can be just as bad.

Likewise a man who doesn’t suit up loses any respect I might have had for him. I like men who are protective alpha-types, and a man who looks out for the welfare of a woman will use a condom.

For me, no-condom is no-sex.

Are there times when condoms aren’t needed? Sure. When you’re looking at paranormal, sci-fi, or other worldbuilding that supports the idea that disease isn’t a problem, then then protection isn’t needed. Historical fiction bows to the knowledge of the time. If the couple in question is long-term monogamous then condoms are likely a thing of the past. When I write married erotica I don’t use them, for instance. Those situations are a little different from new-relationship sex.

I’ve questioned the no-condom idea before and the most common reasons given are that including them is disruptive and that readers don’t want the fantasy shattered with latex.

The first point I don’t get. I’ve never considered a few words alluding to donning a condom disruptive. I suppose if the author stopped and talked about safe sex and all the reasons to use one it might be, but I can’t ever remember reading that. I’ve read a lot of scenes that stop and talk about how everyone is clean to justify going bare, though. For me that’s jarring.

The fantasy part of it doesn’t make as much sense to me. Maybe it’s because I like to have a gritty, realistic edge to my erotic scenes. I’m not into flowery purple prose where everything is perfect and feels good. I like things to be awkward and sweaty, maybe a little uncomfortable sometimes… because that’s what sex can be like.

So, where do you fall on the scale? Do you want to see safe sex practiced on the page or would you prefer condoms stay hidden? Writers, if a condom isn’t available, do you call an all-stop, keep going, or maybe get creative?

No Glove, No Love?

Tags

Between Friends, erotic romance, erotica, Lolita Lopez, safe sex, safe sex in books

In real life, safe sex is something all folks should practice. Sexually transmitted diseases, family planning and general responsibility are all good reasons to rip open a condom or dental dam package. Better safe than sorry and all that.

 

In fiction, though, the lines are a little blurrier. We can create shifter populations immune to sexually transmitted diseases. We can choose to ignore the risk and let our couples (or ménages) take a walk on the wild side for a night. We can use our books as a platform to encourage safer sex by showing heroines and heroes taking responsibility for their sexual health.

 

Some readers want the whole fantasy of no condoms or dental dams when reading a sex scene. They want passion and lust and all the yumminess of no latex sex. Other readers want to see some reality portrayed. They find it hard to suspend disbelief. If a heroine is supposed to be smart, capable and confident, why would she take the risk of unsafe nookie?

 

It’s difficult to please all readers, all the time, so I generally take a whatever-feels-right-for-the-story stance. In my latest book, Between Friends, the ménage trio has a frank discussion about STD testing, the Pill, and condoms during anal sex. For Eddie, Mick and Whitney, the conversation felt natural and real so I included it in the story.

 

But I don’t always. Some of my stories are a bit more risqué and the characters don’t always behave rationally or responsibly. I do get the occasional nasty gram for those characters and their choices, but that’s okay. That’s the risk I take as an author.

 

I’m keenly aware of how sensitive this topic is in the land of romance and erotica. It seems to come up once or twice a year, especially if a book is reviewed by one of the bigger romance sites and it includes a whoopsie pregnancy.

 

So what’s your take? Is safer sex just as sexy? Or do you want the fantasy of old-fashioned lovin’ without consequence?