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There are lots of people who love Siri. I thought I would, but it’s not working out.

Maybe it’s just me? Maybe she doesn’t understand my northern English flattened vowels? She doesn’t understand my teen-son either. And I’ve tried. Really.

I changed it to male Siri (British Male), but despite having a slightly less annoying voice, he’s just as useless.


It was only when I had a funky new car audio system installed recently, that I decided to make friends with Siri. After all, I could now get my iPhone to connect automatically to the car bluetooth, and have full hands-free capability while I drive. I was excited at the possibilities. To take calls safely. To dictate text messages. To select music tracks. The world (albeit the small world-inside-my-car) would be my oyster. Yeah… nah. It didn’t quite work like that.

The number of shouting matches I’ve held with Siri, are colossal. They usually go something along the lines of:

< I’m late leaving home, and want to warn my friend, Julia, that I might miss the train >

Me: Hey, Siri.

Siri: What can I do for you? (polite)

Me: Send a text message

Siri: To whom would you like to send a message? (I’m digging the correct use of English)

Me: Julia

Siri: What would you like to say to George?

Me: No. Cancel message. Send a message to JULIA

Siri. I’m sorry, I can’t find a tulip in your contacts.


Siri: What would you like to say to Julia?

Me: I’m running late. I might not make the train.

Siri: You want to say “I’m running”?

Me: NO!

The last time I tried this one, I ended up shouty-messaging “No train”, to which Julia replied, “What the fck? Never?”


Worse though, is why I want to ask Siri to do something simple like “Open Spotify”.

There’s a pause, while he thinks about my request, and then the cheery response:

“You want to call Samuel Smith. Dialling Samuel now.”

I’m shrieking ‘NOOOO”, and frantically pressing the OFF button before the stupid phone dials either my boss or one of my customers. And HOW HARD is it to stop a call part way through dialling? Freaking impossible.

This hilarious sketch, sums up the problem perfectly.

I have to admit though, the response programming in Siri, is pretty good. Try this sometime:

You say: Siri, I love you,  please marry me.

And see how he / she replies 😀